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"She got fat!"

I wasn't overweight all my life, even though it seems I've had food/weight issues forever. As a former anorexic I thought I was totally fat when I looked like this:

Now I wish I had that "fat" body back! I have grown into my worst night mare - I have become what I've always feared. You can see what I look like nowadays here:

I am FAR from what I used to be and have struggled with my weight the whole way. I'm up 165lbs. from the previous picture.

I know I don't have the scars that go with being overweight since childhood - I'll never know what it was like to be the fat kid, but I have scars of my own. My scars stem from the "Oh my god, what happened to YOU?" and "You used to be so pretty. . ." and "She got so fat!" whispered loudly enough so that I can hear. I absolutely DREAD meeting up with people from my past. Even if they are polite on the surface, I sense that behind my back, my weight is a topic for discussion. I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but it leaves scars of its own. My LEAST favorite phrase is "She sure 'let herself go'" I HAVEN'T! I've had health issues, but I still take care of myself. Fat does NOT equal slob, even though many people equate these two.

The comments and "disappointment" really start to wear on you over time - especially when you're sensitive to it in the first place.

Thanks for listening.

X-posted "everywhere" LOL.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 9th, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC)
I wish I had some grand words of wisdom or encouragement. But I don't. I grew up always being the fat girl. But I don't think that makes my scars any more hurtful than yours. We all have them to bear and it's how we deal with them that matters. You're making conscious steps to deal with your health issues and get yourself back to a healthy and that's the important thing.
Aug. 22nd, 2007 01:35 am (UTC)
Thanks for the support!
Aug. 14th, 2007 01:42 am (UTC)
I think that the roomie is right - you could just wallow but you are dealing with it - and the loss will come in time - my little sister topped 300lbs her whole life, last year when she turned 24 she decided that enough was enough - so she started excercising 2 times a day and eating the way we all should be and to date has lost over 110lbs on her own (not using WW or any sort of "plan" other than one of her own design) - I have every faith that you can do this -

BTW - for whatever it's worth I think you're beautiful - then and Now!
Aug. 22nd, 2007 01:36 am (UTC)
Wow! Your sister is amazing! 110lbs. on her own? Dang!

Thanks for saying I'm beautiful - that means a lot. :-)
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )