Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

My history with food

I used to be anorexic, now I'm obese. I've become my biggest fear.

My trials and tribulations with food began when I was about 13. I was stressed about moving from Los Angeles to Alaska, had just had a fight with my boyfriend, Matt, and the kids at school were being horrible to me. I basically stopped eating and got down to 104. It was easy for me - I had food allergies, had always been a picky eater, and to the chagrin of my parents was a vegetarian. When I finally dared to put something in my mouth, it was a cookie. Something wonky happened with my blood sugar and I passed out at school. I went to a very rough school. I awoke to find my dress pulled up and my nylons pulled down and my best friend fighting the guys hovering around me. It was very scary. After the incident my best friend's mom took me home and really FED me. I'll never forget that meal because it was delivered with love. I'd never had that before - the concept of comfort food was foreign to me. At home my mom looked at food as "poison" - especially sugar. She was anorexic too.

I dated Matt from Jr. High until we were seniors in High School. One time when I was staying at his house for a week, his parents were concerned that I wasn't eating. They called my parents up to express their concern. My father just told them I was too fat and needed to lose weight (I was between 104-114 at the time). They were shocked! His mom came over and gave me a big hug. After that my boyfriend began lovingly feeding me - making breakfasts, etc. I felt safe with him and could eat around him. My weight eventually reached a healthy 124 while we were dating.

Then a horrible thing happened. I had always been able to just brush off my parent’s comments about how fat I was, how fat I would become, how I was destined to have fat thighs because I'm Norwegian, etc - but then that all changed and I believed my parents wholeheartedly. Matt & I had been apart for our first summer, because I was an exchange student in Japan. I discovered wonderful food there and was maturing as a woman. I "ballooned" up to 138lbs. Matt saw me for the first time when he took me to the homecoming dance (we went to different schools). He had always been large but had been running that summer. He had become skinny! I was so proud of him. Unfortunately, the first thing he did was demand that I get on the scale and show him my weight. He had noticed the gain. While we were at the dance, I knew something was wrong - we felt "off." That night, he stayed overnight at my house, sleeping downstairs on the sofa. I crept down to visit him while my mother was asleep, as I had often done before. As he stroked my hair, he asked me why I didn’t look more like my mother. Then he said, “Let me give you some advice: You need to lose weight, get a tan, and bleach your hair – it isn’t blonde enough.” I was devastated. I no longer knew him. Needless to say, we broke up.

This began my worst bought of anorexia to date. As the doctors were trying to get me to eat again, my parents were upset that this might cause me to gain weight! Eventually the doctors didn’t deal with my parents – I was old enough to not be a minor anymore. One doctor told me that 124 was a good weight for me to achieve. I kept trying to get and stay at 114, my magic number, but I know now that honestly I don’t look so good at that weight, 124 is right for me.

I went off to college and hadn’t gained all the weight back that I had needed to yet, and everyone around me was either praising my thinness or jealous of it. This was not a good atmosphere, but I tried to fight it. Unfortunately I went from one bad relationship to another. My first college boyfriend was physically and mentally abusive. I also met my ex-husband there who also turned out to be mentally abusive - however he was fantastic about my food/weight issues. I recovered from my anorexia with him.

While I was in college I came down with CFS and my nightmare with weight GAIN started. I rapidly put on 30lbs. I was freaked out!!! Especially given my eating disordered history. I remember sitting in the doctor’s office complaining about my weight and one lady told me I should be lucky it was only 30lbs. overweight because most people put on 60lbs. or more.

Well, now I’m in that 60 or more category. After my divorce, I reached a whopping 152lbs. overweight. When I left my ex I was only around 60lbs. overweight, so I’ve really gained a TON in the last 5 years. And my parents have been horrible to me - constantly harping on my weight. It’s relentless - and painful. You’ll probably hear much about my trials and tribulations with them in this journal.

Two years ago, I did find out that I have insulin resistance and hypothyroidism and am now on medication - this should help. So should Weight Watchers. I did phenomenally on the program in the past while I was still married. I lost around 55 lbs. and reached 138 before going off program because I felt too exhausted from my illness to exercise. Even though my illness plays a large part in my weight gain, I know now that need to take responsibility for the things I CAN change - and for the role my bad eating habits have played. I am ready and I KNOW Weight Watchers works. I’m going to do it this time!


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 23rd, 2007 03:34 pm (UTC)
I think you are phenomenally brave to post all this. I can't believe you've come through all this and still seem so positive. Reading all that and how motivated you are to achieve your goal with WW is really inspiring.
Apr. 23rd, 2007 03:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I feel very lucky that I still have a positive attitude. :-)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )